Ed is walking down the street… Reaches a building, "Hollywood Mortuary”, and glances in the window and sees a showroom filled with sample coffins. Lying inside one is Bela Lugosi.
Bela: Too constrictive. This is the most uncomfortable coffin I have ever been in.
Salesman: Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I've never had any complaints before.
Bela: The selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time.
Bela climbs out and walks to the exit -- where be bumps into nervous Ed.
Ed: Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi??
Bela: I told you, I don't want any of your goddamn coffins.
Ed: No. I don't work here.
Bela: Huh?... Who are you? What do you want?
Ed: I don't want anything. I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies.
Bela: Ha!
Ed: Why were you buying a coffin?
Bela: Because I'm planning on dying soon.
Ed:(concerned) Really?
Bela: Yes. I'm embarking on another bus-andótruck tour of "Dracula." Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable.
Bela pulls out a large cigar and lights it.
Ed: You know, I saw you perform "Dracula." In Poughkeepsie, in 1938.
Bela: Eh, that was a terrible production.Renfield was a drunk!
Ed: I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie.
Bela: Thank you.
Ed: I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside.
Bela: I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge.
Bela: They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it's all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers -- who would believe such nonsense!
Bela: They were mythic. They had a poetry to them. And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters.
Ed: The women?
Bela: The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror.
Ed: I never thought of that.
Bela: Take my word for it. You want to "score" with a young lady, you take her to see "Dracula."
Conrad: Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy, but could I have your autograph?
Bela: Of course.
Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it.
Conrad: You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray." You were great as Karloff's sidekick.
Bela's face suddenly hardens. He snaps.
Bela: "Sidekick"?? "KARLOFF"?!!
Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph.
Bela: Fuck you!! Karloff!... That limey cocksucker can rot in hell, for all I care!!!
Ed panickedly runs up.
Ed: What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what did you do?
Conrad:(upset, close to crying) Nothin'! I told him he was great.
Bela: How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?!! You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?! NO! It's just make-up and grunting! GRRR! GRRR! GRRR!
Bela: Well... can't I play the romantic part? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. You know, back in Hungary, I played Romeo! I would like to be the lover again -- me, in a boat, with the girl...
:)
